[Matt doesn't know if it's hope or sympathy or just...what. He hadn't prepared himself to ask it, even if he'd wanted to. It wouldn't be right. But...she brought it up, first.]
No, Lil, I don't want to talk about it at all. I want to leave it there and never talk about it again.
[God, what a mess. He sounds tired.]
But I also don't want it to come between us later. I can't go through with this, if it's not what you really want. Frank and I have enough grievances without dragging you into it.
[He just wants- what? To forgive her. He likes her; he didn't really want anything to end. But that's not the hard part: to do the right thing, even if he wants to be selfish. As if it's so easy to figure it out. All the arguments that can be made for why Frank is no good for her can be made about himself.]
[ She likes him too. A lot. In a way that's probably much more healthy than the way she likes Frank. Whatever it is she had (or has?) with Matt approaches some semblance of normalcy -- something she's desperately needed for the past twenty years of her life. ]
Okay. So. That's that then.
[ A little pause. ]
I hope y'understand what y'mean t'me now. He's real important t'me, y'know that? I wouldn't put alotta things ahead of what Frank Castle's done for me.
[He wishes he didn't, but he does. Not where Frank Castle is concerned- although Frank's done something for him that he can't ever forget- but in principle.]
[ It's hard to explain how his explicit forgiveness makes her feel. Something like relief, tainted with resentment and guilt, all under the blanket of how much she still misses him. ]
I really didn't mean t'hurt you. [ Quietly: ] I care about you. I want you.
[Moments like this are explicit evidence in why it can be such a blessing to know when people believe what they're saying.]
I didn't doubt that for a second.
[Given that it'd exploded so quickly, into so much hurt, that at least was clear. It's apology enough. She doesn't need to say "sorry" for him to find it writ elsewhere, in other words.]
[ It's a little humbling, his certainty. She'd never really felt certain of things, even with Madison, and God, had she loved Madison. It makes her voice almost self-conscious, a faint crack in her invulnerable veneer when she half-asks: ]
[It's easy to be certain, when you're him. It's easy to act and think you know everything and doubt only in rare cases. Unflinching self-assurance, even when crossing the line. The Man Without Fear.]
Yes. Soon. [One way or another, they'll have to.
The pause that follows is long, because: he doesn't want to hang up. But there's nothing more to say right now. Not without making it worse.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice;
voice;
...are you really prepared to leave him?
[Matt doesn't know if it's hope or sympathy or just...what. He hadn't prepared himself to ask it, even if he'd wanted to. It wouldn't be right. But...she brought it up, first.]
voice;
I'm tryin' not t'think too hard about it.
voice;
[God, what a mess. He sounds tired.]
But I also don't want it to come between us later. I can't go through with this, if it's not what you really want. Frank and I have enough grievances without dragging you into it.
voice;
voice;
[Yes.]
voice;
voice;
[He just wants- what? To forgive her. He likes her; he didn't really want anything to end. But that's not the hard part: to do the right thing, even if he wants to be selfish. As if it's so easy to figure it out. All the arguments that can be made for why Frank is no good for her can be made about himself.]
voice;
Okay. So. That's that then.
[ A little pause. ]
I hope y'understand what y'mean t'me now. He's real important t'me, y'know that? I wouldn't put alotta things ahead of what Frank Castle's done for me.
voice;
[He wishes he didn't, but he does. Not where Frank Castle is concerned- although Frank's done something for him that he can't ever forget- but in principle.]
voice;
voice;
[It's hard to know at this point. This has been a confused conversation.]
I forgive you, anyway. It's by no means the worst thing anybody's done to me.
[You know it's not like she sold his identity to the Kingpin for drug money or anything. If he could forgive that...]
voice;
I really didn't mean t'hurt you. [ Quietly: ] I care about you. I want you.
voice;
I didn't doubt that for a second.
[Given that it'd exploded so quickly, into so much hurt, that at least was clear. It's apology enough. She doesn't need to say "sorry" for him to find it writ elsewhere, in other words.]
Come back when you're ready?
voice;
[ It's a little humbling, his certainty. She'd never really felt certain of things, even with Madison, and God, had she loved Madison. It makes her voice almost self-conscious, a faint crack in her invulnerable veneer when she half-asks: ]
See y'soon then?
voice;
Yes. Soon. [One way or another, they'll have to.
The pause that follows is long, because: he doesn't want to hang up. But there's nothing more to say right now. Not without making it worse.]
Good-bye, Lil.