[ She lingers at a distance, finding this space strange for her. There's a part that would prefer to just let him deal with his problems, because he hurt her and made her angry before -- but there's another part that just wants to make it better, make the problems go away, because her affection is just as real as her temper.
Finally, she comes to sit on the bed with him, and in a knowing way, lightly pats her lap in invitation. ]
[ It's healthier this way. Matt lets out a breath he didn't entirely know he was holding, when she invites him to lay down, and promptly shifts to lay down and settle his head against her thighs. It makes sense that their fights and reconciliations might be as emotional fraught as their happy moments, but at least she's willing to let it go for a moment. ]
Thank you.
[ For saying that. For not holding out, when she could have shut him out. For what he can't say: that at the end of the day, she's still here with him. And how badly this hurts, losing somebody he trusted so much.
The silence spirals for awhile, while Matt tries to let some of the tension and grief ease. ]
[ For once, she doesn't say anything. Truthfully, she isn't sure there's anything she could say right now that would make it better. Her feelings are all mixed up. But she remembers -- how Matt let her stay, how he comforted her, when she was torn up over Frank.
After a moment, she lifts a hand to run her fingers through his hair, repeating the motion lightly, over and over. Finally: ]
[ Matt deals with grief differently than Lil. Her outbursts turn outwards, almost immediately, looking for a target. Matt destroys himself from the inside, until there's nothing to stop him from systematically and brutally taking everything to pieces.
But there's no room for that here, and nowhere to direct his anger and frustration. There's nothing to do but lie here, and let her try and soothe the headache and the tension, a little bit. ]
[ The light touch of her fingers combing through his hair becomes something a little more solid as she rubs a thumb against his upturned temple, giving him a little comforting pressure. ]
Keep it, I guess? Seems like a waste t'ditch it. [ Not that she's sure Matt has any use for it. He's far more capable than most blind men, but still. ] Maybe if he ever shows up again, y'can give it back.
And then he can have a good laugh at his own terrible sense of humor. [It comes out dry, irritable, because it is actually kind of funny, in a dark way, dependent on the circumstances. He sees the humor in it, but right now it just frustrates him, and he finds himself relieved that she didn't laugh.]
[ It's strange for her to see him like this. Maybe just because they are so different in how they handle these things. She doesn't like not knowing what to do to make it better for him -- if he'd been like her, wanting someone to fight and yell at, that would've been easy. All she can do right now is listen, give him her company and her touch, for whatever that's worth. ]
[ Matt wants a target. He wants somebody to hit, something he can sink his fists into or at least a lead he can chase to figure out what the hell is really going on here. But he can't and won't turn that on her. It's not her fault he feels trapped and frustrated. It's not her fault he doesn't know where to start or go. ]
Until they drag him back, like they did me.
[ She helps calm him, at least a little. She's still there. And her gentle pressure at his temple is soothing whether he wants to be angry or not. He'd only ever intended to ask her to help him retrieve the car, not let her try to comfort him, with whatever scraps there are to offer. ]
[ She doesn't know why hearing him say that makes her pause for a half-beat, lips pursing a little bit. Maybe it's just a reminder of all the uncertainty, all the unknown possibilities of this place. What would have happened if she'd paid any attention the first time he'd been here? What would she do if he were next to go?
Lil exhales, trying not to let herself get unnecessarily worked up or too tense. ]
[ Her hesitation only frustrates Matt more, a little. Normally, when he needs to brood, he isolates himself for awhile. He'd only ever intended to ask her to help him retrieve the car, seeing as how he doesn't drive. And her frustration compounds his own, a little. ]
I don't think I know anything about what's going on.
[ She isn't very good at this. Talks like this. It's hard for her to express things in this subdued kind of way. And she doesn't know what to tell him, to make it better. ]
Well, it ain't like there's a lot t'do about it anyway.
[ She makes a point, but it's not the point she thinks she makes. But it's enough to make him think he's done here, that right now what he needs isn't comfort or sympathy, much as he appreciates hers. It's a good thing, really, that she offers it in the midst of their fighting. They're getting better at this. ]
You're right.
[ He sounds so calm when he says it, shifting back out of her lap to stand up once more. But he bends down and kisses her forehead, an instinctive and automatic gesture of affection. ]
Thank you, dear. I'll see what needs to be done to get the car on Monday.
[ It's honestly that calmness that worries her. She half wishes he would react in a tangible way, something she could see and understand. But he just leans to kiss her, that's all. ]
Hon -- [ She doesn't know what she means to say. After a slight hesitation: ] Look, I can get the car for you, if that helps.
[ Matt is already withdrawing into his own head, isolating his thoughts and his feelings. There's no point in burdening her with it, when his frustration and fury has nothing to do with her. He doesn't think that it must be unnerving, or upsetting.
She wouldn't like to hear what he thinks anyway. ]
You may have to, since I don't drive. Don't worry about it right now.
I am frustrated and pissed off and worried. I put a lot of faith and trust in Hank, and now he's gone. But there's nothing I can do about it yet. I'll have to live with it until that changes.
[ His hand between them, forestalling any argument. She makes a rational point, but Matt can't consign himself to just believing this is it, this is what they get. There has to be something to do. There has to be something, somewhere. ]
They're treating our lives like toys, Lily. Yours, mine, Hank's. Frank's. I can't just let that go.
[ And of course they're back to fighting again. But Matt knew that would happen when he brought up Frank. He'd intended to use it to put her in her place, shut down her argument. ]
[ That hurts. She meant it to hurt, and it does. But Matt at least doesn't flinch, or give way, even though he feels-- what? Slighted? Simply hurt at the thought of her half-assing their relationship, when Matt's tried his damnedest to do his best by her. Better than he's done for others. ]
[ She regrets it the moment the words are finished leaving her mouth. But there's no taking it back now. And a petty part of her only feels more aggravated that he gives her no visible reaction at all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Finally, she comes to sit on the bed with him, and in a knowing way, lightly pats her lap in invitation. ]
I'm sorry about Hank, hon.
no subject
Thank you.
[ For saying that. For not holding out, when she could have shut him out. For what he can't say: that at the end of the day, she's still here with him. And how badly this hurts, losing somebody he trusted so much.
The silence spirals for awhile, while Matt tries to let some of the tension and grief ease. ]
no subject
After a moment, she lifts a hand to run her fingers through his hair, repeating the motion lightly, over and over. Finally: ]
What can I do, Matty?
no subject
But there's no room for that here, and nowhere to direct his anger and frustration. There's nothing to do but lie here, and let her try and soothe the headache and the tension, a little bit. ]
Help me figure out what to do with his car.
no subject
Keep it, I guess? Seems like a waste t'ditch it. [ Not that she's sure Matt has any use for it. He's far more capable than most blind men, but still. ] Maybe if he ever shows up again, y'can give it back.
no subject
And then he can have a good laugh at his own terrible sense of humor. [It comes out dry, irritable, because it is actually kind of funny, in a dark way, dependent on the circumstances. He sees the humor in it, but right now it just frustrates him, and he finds himself relieved that she didn't laugh.]
no subject
[ It's strange for her to see him like this. Maybe just because they are so different in how they handle these things. She doesn't like not knowing what to do to make it better for him -- if he'd been like her, wanting someone to fight and yell at, that would've been easy. All she can do right now is listen, give him her company and her touch, for whatever that's worth. ]
'Least he's back home now, yeah?
no subject
Until they drag him back, like they did me.
[ She helps calm him, at least a little. She's still there. And her gentle pressure at his temple is soothing whether he wants to be angry or not. He'd only ever intended to ask her to help him retrieve the car, not let her try to comfort him, with whatever scraps there are to offer. ]
no subject
Lil exhales, trying not to let herself get unnecessarily worked up or too tense. ]
Y'don't know that'll happen.
no subject
I don't think I know anything about what's going on.
no subject
Well, it ain't like there's a lot t'do about it anyway.
no subject
You're right.
[ He sounds so calm when he says it, shifting back out of her lap to stand up once more. But he bends down and kisses her forehead, an instinctive and automatic gesture of affection. ]
Thank you, dear. I'll see what needs to be done to get the car on Monday.
no subject
Hon -- [ She doesn't know what she means to say. After a slight hesitation: ] Look, I can get the car for you, if that helps.
no subject
She wouldn't like to hear what he thinks anyway. ]
You may have to, since I don't drive. Don't worry about it right now.
no subject
Matt. Are y'gonna be okay?
no subject
no subject
C'mon, Matt. Don't do that.
no subject
I am frustrated and pissed off and worried. I put a lot of faith and trust in Hank, and now he's gone. But there's nothing I can do about it yet. I'll have to live with it until that changes.
no subject
[ She knows it. ]
I get you're upset, but there ain't ever gonna be anythin' t'do about it. Even if he comes back, it ain't like y'can be sure he'll even remember.
no subject
[ His hand between them, forestalling any argument. She makes a rational point, but Matt can't consign himself to just believing this is it, this is what they get. There has to be something to do. There has to be something, somewhere. ]
They're treating our lives like toys, Lily. Yours, mine, Hank's. Frank's. I can't just let that go.
no subject
Finally, tersely: ]
Well, you're gonna do what y'want no matter what I say anyway.
no subject
There are things I won't compromise even for you.
no subject
[ Stubborn, hard-headed, and instinctively trying to level the playing field, to give back what she gets. Typical Lil. ]
Half makes me feel like I should've put less effort in t'bein' okay enough t'be happy with you after he left.
no subject
That's your decision to make, Lil.
no subject
Finally, a bit petulantly: ]
Well, I'm here, ain't I?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)