[ Idly, with hands still a touch unsteady, he refills his glass and looked at Lil a little gratefully. He feels a little more stable having her here -- he feels just a little less self-doubting, less lonely, than he would if they were just speaking over the phone. ]
I feel like a fool. I had eleven years to move on, and the first thing I do when I see him again is forget everything I learned since he di-- disappeared. I thought it could be our big chance. [ He holds a glass out to her, in case she wants a drink as well. Crack of dawn be damned. ] And n-now I don't know what to do with myself.
[ she pauses before accepting the glass from him, tossing her drink back with a bit of determination, as if she's decided the two of them will make it through the remainder of the night no matter how much crying and drinking it takes. ]
Well, I know what y'ain't gonna do. Y'ain't gonna do anythin' stupid. You're gonna stick with me 'til y'feel alright bein' on your own, that's what.
[ He isn't sure he'll ever feel all right being on his own, but he doesn't say so. All he wants, aside from her company right now, is to lock himself in his bedroom, burrow in his blankets and stay there until the world decides to right itself again. ]
I won't -- what is there for me to do? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for him. He might be in Germany, for all I know. [ He swallows, then puts his hand over his face for a moment as the tears start again. ] Maybe some things just aren't meant to ever work out. Do you ever feel that way?
[ it breaks her heart to see him cry. but not as much as his question does. ]
It -- [ she struggles a second. her own feelings threaten to take front seat, selfish and overwhelming, just for a moment, but she swallows them. ] It ain't about how I feel, is it? What the hell do I know anyway.
[ an exhale. lil reaches to briskly thumb away his tears. ]
You're a mess, hon. Y'ain't gonna be decidin' nothin' tonight.
[ Breath hitching, he lets his head hang slightly, though he leans a little closer. Somewhere in another part of the house, his dog whimpers a little needily, wanting attention and knowing something is different. ]
I need to call Rick later, t-to take the dog. I got him for Hooded Justice, I don't think I can bear having him around. I'm not going in to work today. [ He buries his free hand in his hair, pulling at it a little helplessly. Softly, he adds: ] I know you didn't like him. You must think I'm crazy, wanting someone like him back.
[ lil purses her lips again. she tries to spare his feelings, more than she would with anyone else, but the truth's the truth, isn't it? ]
'Course I don't like the bastard. But I like you, don't I? An' I don't think you're crazy. [ a brief beat. ] Lonely, maybe, but not crazy.
Y'do what y'gotta do, hon. An' if y'need me, I'm here. Can't promise I won't try an' kick his goddamn ass when he turns up, but I'm here for you, Nelly. Whatever y'need.
[ He gives another grateful look, then stares into his liquor glass and shakes his head. When another small burst of weeping overtakes him it's more contained, just tears and shaking shoulders without the wailing and shrieking that he might normally be prone to. ]
I feel like I'm always lonely. After he-- it wasn't that I never saw other people, but it wasn't ever the same. [ He wonders if that sounds pathetic, but at the moment he doesn't really care. Too upset, too drunk, whatever. ] Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you, I-- I think I made a mistake, when I told him... s-something, but I didn't want him finding out from anyone else. I'm such an idiot.
[ it's worse that she knows that feeling, or some variation of it. it's a vicious twist on the cliche really -- one true love. the one person you never really get over. the one you take to your grave with you. the one you always hold a little flame for. she doesn't have to like hooded justice to understand the sentiment.
she puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. ]
Hon, I can't imagine y'tellin' anyone somethin' that'd hurt them, not really. 'Specially not a big ol' brute like HJ. Y'can't blame yourself.
[ He shakes his head miserably, though a part of him can't quite bring himself to telling her just what it was. He doesn't want to feel like any more of a traitor than he had back then. ]
He was, he got upset with me and I should have known better, I shouldn't h-have brought the past into it at all. I just w-wanted to be honest, but he can hold onto something forever.
[ Slowly he refills his glass again. ]
I don't know where he's going to stay. At home I could at least count on him being at the headquarters most likely, but there's nothing familiar here.
[ if she's beginning to feel impatient with the situation, it's because she hates it, seeing nelson like this -- he deserves to be happy, she has to believe that -- and because it's easy for her to blame hooded justice, easy for her to let her resentment of him skew her perspective.
she has half a mind just to hunt him down and drag him back -- ]
That's it. I ain't sittin' around lettin' this happen.
[ she makes an annoyed gesture with her hand. ]
I'm gonna find that sonnuva bitch an' carry him back in a potato sack if I gotta.
[ He looks at her, his eyes tired and red, before he manages a weak smile. It's a nice sentiment -- he shouldn't have expected less, from Lil -- though maybe because he's too upset to be properly rational or because he's had too much to drink he doesn't really consider that she's serious. Normally, he'd probably know better. ]
That's thoughtful of you. I'm sure even if you did find him he'd just tell you he doesn't want to see me. [ He dabs his wet cheeks with his sleeve again and his shoulders slump in self-defeat. ] He's stubborn when he makes up his mind. I-I just have to remind myself that I should have seen it coming.
[ it's obvious that lil won't change her mind now -- she's set her course, right or wrong, for better or for worse. there's probably nothing short of an army that could stop her now. she's a woman on the war path. ]
Y'just gotta promise you'll hang tight an' wait. I'm gonna make this better.
[ Nelson empties his glass, staring a little blankly forward. He leans against her slightly, again appreciating the sentiment even if he doesn't think there's any way to make it better. ]
You didn't have to come all the way over. Thank you for keeping me company.
What're y'thankin' me for? I'm doin' what friends do, ain't I?
[ it's gentle though, not angry. maybe just a little tired. she gives his arm a little squeeze before setting her own glass down, then reaching to remove his from his hand. ]
[ Dabbing his eyes again, he leans against the back of the couch so that he doesn't wobble or fall over. It's a little embarrassing, her seeing him like this when not long ago he'd been trying to help her. Not that not following his own romantic advice is his only hypocrisy. ]
You're too good to me, Lil. Y-you don't have to do anything, he's always just done what he wanted and gone where he wanted. Nothing I've ever said has stuck.
[ she has a strong, but surprisingly gentle sort of firmness to her voice. it's certainty -- certainty in her feelings for him, and in the fact that he deserves to be cared for.
she rubs his back, doesn't rush him. ]
I know I don't gotta do anythin'. But I ain't doin' it 'cause I gotta, alright? Now I want you t'get some rest. If y'don't stop cryin' an' sleep a little, your eyes'll swell right damn shut, an' then what am I gonna do with you?
[ At first he shakes his head, but then he nods, taking a shaky breath inward. He leans against the wall, trying to get steady on his feet. ]
I can't sleep now. I have to call Rick in a few hours about work, b-but I'll try to get some rest in between if I can make myself stop wondering for an hour or so what on earth went so wrong.
I should be the one to call, it won't reflect well if I made someone else call in on my behalf. B-besides, I'll need to give him a reason, and-- Just let me handle that much.
[ He inhales, brushing his hand through his hair to sweep it back -- though it still sticks out and hangs in his face in places -- as he stands on his own weight. ]
I worry about everything. [ With a weary smile. ] Too afraid of tomorrow.
[ she lets out a little bit of a breath, reaching over to smooth his air out for him in brisk pushes of her hands. she's fussing now, because there's nothing else she can do right now, and there's nothing that frustrates her more than powerlessness. ]
Ain't nothin' t'be afraid of. [ it's hard to say if she believes that or if it's bravado. in the moment, maybe she means it. ] You're gonna be fine.
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I feel like a fool. I had eleven years to move on, and the first thing I do when I see him again is forget everything I learned since he di-- disappeared. I thought it could be our big chance. [ He holds a glass out to her, in case she wants a drink as well. Crack of dawn be damned. ] And n-now I don't know what to do with myself.
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Well, I know what y'ain't gonna do. Y'ain't gonna do anythin' stupid. You're gonna stick with me 'til y'feel alright bein' on your own, that's what.
[ a beat, then she adds, more quietly: ]
And y'ain't gonna blame yourself for hopin'.
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I won't -- what is there for me to do? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for him. He might be in Germany, for all I know. [ He swallows, then puts his hand over his face for a moment as the tears start again. ] Maybe some things just aren't meant to ever work out. Do you ever feel that way?
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It -- [ she struggles a second. her own feelings threaten to take front seat, selfish and overwhelming, just for a moment, but she swallows them. ] It ain't about how I feel, is it? What the hell do I know anyway.
[ an exhale. lil reaches to briskly thumb away his tears. ]
You're a mess, hon. Y'ain't gonna be decidin' nothin' tonight.
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I need to call Rick later, t-to take the dog. I got him for Hooded Justice, I don't think I can bear having him around. I'm not going in to work today. [ He buries his free hand in his hair, pulling at it a little helplessly. Softly, he adds: ] I know you didn't like him. You must think I'm crazy, wanting someone like him back.
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'Course I don't like the bastard. But I like you, don't I? An' I don't think you're crazy. [ a brief beat. ] Lonely, maybe, but not crazy.
Y'do what y'gotta do, hon. An' if y'need me, I'm here. Can't promise I won't try an' kick his goddamn ass when he turns up, but I'm here for you, Nelly. Whatever y'need.
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I feel like I'm always lonely. After he-- it wasn't that I never saw other people, but it wasn't ever the same. [ He wonders if that sounds pathetic, but at the moment he doesn't really care. Too upset, too drunk, whatever. ] Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you, I-- I think I made a mistake, when I told him... s-something, but I didn't want him finding out from anyone else. I'm such an idiot.
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[ it's worse that she knows that feeling, or some variation of it. it's a vicious twist on the cliche really -- one true love. the one person you never really get over. the one you take to your grave with you. the one you always hold a little flame for. she doesn't have to like hooded justice to understand the sentiment.
she puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. ]
Hon, I can't imagine y'tellin' anyone somethin' that'd hurt them, not really. 'Specially not a big ol' brute like HJ. Y'can't blame yourself.
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He was, he got upset with me and I should have known better, I shouldn't h-have brought the past into it at all. I just w-wanted to be honest, but he can hold onto something forever.
[ Slowly he refills his glass again. ]
I don't know where he's going to stay. At home I could at least count on him being at the headquarters most likely, but there's nothing familiar here.
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she has half a mind just to hunt him down and drag him back -- ]
That's it. I ain't sittin' around lettin' this happen.
[ she makes an annoyed gesture with her hand. ]
I'm gonna find that sonnuva bitch an' carry him back in a potato sack if I gotta.
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[ He looks at her, his eyes tired and red, before he manages a weak smile. It's a nice sentiment -- he shouldn't have expected less, from Lil -- though maybe because he's too upset to be properly rational or because he's had too much to drink he doesn't really consider that she's serious. Normally, he'd probably know better. ]
That's thoughtful of you. I'm sure even if you did find him he'd just tell you he doesn't want to see me. [ He dabs his wet cheeks with his sleeve again and his shoulders slump in self-defeat. ] He's stubborn when he makes up his mind. I-I just have to remind myself that I should have seen it coming.
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[ it's obvious that lil won't change her mind now -- she's set her course, right or wrong, for better or for worse. there's probably nothing short of an army that could stop her now. she's a woman on the war path. ]
Y'just gotta promise you'll hang tight an' wait. I'm gonna make this better.
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You didn't have to come all the way over. Thank you for keeping me company.
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[ it's gentle though, not angry. maybe just a little tired. she gives his arm a little squeeze before setting her own glass down, then reaching to remove his from his hand. ]
How about we get you t'bed, hon?
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[ He shakes his head before he sets his glass down, getting shakily to his feet anyway. He continues a little miserably, skeptically: ]
B-but it is late. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll have come back by the morning.
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Hon, I know it ain't the same, but I adore you, y'know? An' I hate t'see y'like this.
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You're too good to me, Lil. Y-you don't have to do anything, he's always just done what he wanted and gone where he wanted. Nothing I've ever said has stuck.
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[ she has a strong, but surprisingly gentle sort of firmness to her voice. it's certainty -- certainty in her feelings for him, and in the fact that he deserves to be cared for.
she rubs his back, doesn't rush him. ]
I know I don't gotta do anythin'. But I ain't doin' it 'cause I gotta, alright? Now I want you t'get some rest. If y'don't stop cryin' an' sleep a little, your eyes'll swell right damn shut, an' then what am I gonna do with you?
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I can't sleep now. I have to call Rick in a few hours about work, b-but I'll try to get some rest in between if I can make myself stop wondering for an hour or so what on earth went so wrong.
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[ she hovers close, like she wants to be able to catch him if he stumbles. ]
I'm gonna take care of this. I told y'so, didn't I?
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[ He shakes his head again, more insistently this time. He looks at her with wet, red eyes. ]
There isn't anything to do, Lil. Don't trouble yourself.
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[ she sounds a little impatient, but it's unfocused, caused by the situation more than the people. ]
Stop worryin' about what I'm gonna do. It's you y'gotta take care of, before y'give one of us a goddamn heart attack.
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[ He inhales, brushing his hand through his hair to sweep it back -- though it still sticks out and hangs in his face in places -- as he stands on his own weight. ]
I worry about everything. [ With a weary smile. ] Too afraid of tomorrow.
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Ain't nothin' t'be afraid of. [ it's hard to say if she believes that or if it's bravado. in the moment, maybe she means it. ] You're gonna be fine.
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[ He doesn't necessarily sound convinced, but he'll be obsessing the rest of the night if he decides to keep dwelling on it now. ]
Do you think I should look for him? [ He's not sure if he wants to, but he's curious about what Lil thinks. ] Tomorrow?
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