[ that's the last thing she says before hanging up -- but it's only a brief reprieve, no more than twenty minutes before she arrives at nelson's door. it's a good thing the damn thing's unlocked because she's letting herself in, only knocking to announce herself, not to ask permission.
she's a sleep-tousled mess, hair knotted atop her head, still in her pjs -- pastel shorts, a man's t-shirt, maybe madison's -- but wrathful nonetheless. ]
[ Though he barely gets the words out before she's let herself in already. He's made it out of his bedroom, at least, to the living room where he sits in his robe, his face in hands. His hair is also tousled -- uncharacteristic of him though it may look, it's too early to bother with a comb or anything -- and when he looks at her, his face and eyes are red.
He shakes his head, having completely forgotten he was supposed to make coffee; he's got a bottle of brandy on the table in front of him, a half-full glass in hand. ]
[ maybe with another man, appearances would've matter more to lil, but with nelson, it seems almost beside the point. they're beyond that anyway, aren't they? when you've seen a person as low as they've seen each other. so, she doesn't hesitate to nudge the door shut behind her and approach him.
she's always been physical and irreverent towards personal boundaries. it's probably no surprise then that she simply comes and leans to embrace him, folding him close to her like she means to protect him from everything. ]
[ He has to set his glass down so he doesn't drop it, or spill it, as Lil embraces him, but Nelson doesn't relinquish the opportunity to let himself weep against her. Everything still seems surreal to him, and maybe he is overreacting, but too much has happened in the past for the deja vu not to sting heavily. He had already lived through enough waiting and enough mourning.
He sobs: ]
We were supposed to be happy. I n-never thought I would see him again, Lil.
[ at the very least, lil would be the last person to accuse him of overreacting. to her, it all makes sense. to her, he's the victim. and maybe she's projecting -- she's not even sure anymore, and not the type to think too hard on that kind of thing -- but her sympathy is real, as real as her affection and the defensive instinct she feels.
her embrace is solid, strong. she strokes his back as she answers: ]
This ain't on you. Y'know that, right? Y'ain't done nothin' wrong. Y'been good t'that sonnuva bitch, I know y'have, and if he's got trouble seein' that through that goddamn stupid hood of his, that ain't 'cause of you.
[ a beat, like she isn't sure she should say this next thing -- but he just seems so unhappy, so hurt. ]
Anyway, there ain't nobody sayin' he won't come t'his senses.
[ Whimpering, he presses his forehead to her shoulder and lets himself just rest there for a moment, before he finally forces himself to pull away so that he take a generous gulp of his drink. The glass shakes a little in his hands. ]
I did something-- I just know something happened, he wouldn't leave without a reason.[ Taking another sip, he dabs at his eyes with his sleeve. ] I'm all he has in the world and he still doesn't want to be around me. Do you think he got scared?
[ if she sounds frustrated though, it's not with nelson. no, nelson is the one she understands, or at least thinks she does. she crouches next to his seat, hands resting on his arm. ]
But I know it ain't 'cause y'didn't care enough. Maybe it's him, hon. Maybe there's somethin' wrong with him.
[ Nelson prickles a little defensively at that, but somehow he's soothed as well. He nods his head, nursing the rim of his glass a little more calmly for the moment. ]
He's never been able to commit. Not ever. Back in the day he would always be out, God knows where, I-I'm sure that's what it is now. I'm too old and fat to keep his interest anymore. [ He wipes his eyes again, frowning, and looks at her. ] I barely know anything about him. I told myself I wouldn't make these mistakes again.
[ lil purses her lips a little. it's hard, to try and see the situation clearly, without bias and without her own experiences coloring the lenses -- but really, maybe she doesn't care to see it any more clearly. she's satisfied to be angry on his behalf, to feel resentment on his behalf, to be on his side. the other sides don't matter.
she gives his arm a gentle little squeeze, even though her eyebrows pinch. she hates to see him like this. she's stubbornly insisting when she answers: ]
There ain't a damn thing wrong with you, Nelson Gardner. Y'hear what I'm tellin' you? An' y'love that man. Maybe that don't make it easy t'see things right all the time, but it ain't nothin' t'be ashamed of.
[ Idly, with hands still a touch unsteady, he refills his glass and looked at Lil a little gratefully. He feels a little more stable having her here -- he feels just a little less self-doubting, less lonely, than he would if they were just speaking over the phone. ]
I feel like a fool. I had eleven years to move on, and the first thing I do when I see him again is forget everything I learned since he di-- disappeared. I thought it could be our big chance. [ He holds a glass out to her, in case she wants a drink as well. Crack of dawn be damned. ] And n-now I don't know what to do with myself.
[ she pauses before accepting the glass from him, tossing her drink back with a bit of determination, as if she's decided the two of them will make it through the remainder of the night no matter how much crying and drinking it takes. ]
Well, I know what y'ain't gonna do. Y'ain't gonna do anythin' stupid. You're gonna stick with me 'til y'feel alright bein' on your own, that's what.
[ He isn't sure he'll ever feel all right being on his own, but he doesn't say so. All he wants, aside from her company right now, is to lock himself in his bedroom, burrow in his blankets and stay there until the world decides to right itself again. ]
I won't -- what is there for me to do? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for him. He might be in Germany, for all I know. [ He swallows, then puts his hand over his face for a moment as the tears start again. ] Maybe some things just aren't meant to ever work out. Do you ever feel that way?
[ it breaks her heart to see him cry. but not as much as his question does. ]
It -- [ she struggles a second. her own feelings threaten to take front seat, selfish and overwhelming, just for a moment, but she swallows them. ] It ain't about how I feel, is it? What the hell do I know anyway.
[ an exhale. lil reaches to briskly thumb away his tears. ]
You're a mess, hon. Y'ain't gonna be decidin' nothin' tonight.
[ Breath hitching, he lets his head hang slightly, though he leans a little closer. Somewhere in another part of the house, his dog whimpers a little needily, wanting attention and knowing something is different. ]
I need to call Rick later, t-to take the dog. I got him for Hooded Justice, I don't think I can bear having him around. I'm not going in to work today. [ He buries his free hand in his hair, pulling at it a little helplessly. Softly, he adds: ] I know you didn't like him. You must think I'm crazy, wanting someone like him back.
[ lil purses her lips again. she tries to spare his feelings, more than she would with anyone else, but the truth's the truth, isn't it? ]
'Course I don't like the bastard. But I like you, don't I? An' I don't think you're crazy. [ a brief beat. ] Lonely, maybe, but not crazy.
Y'do what y'gotta do, hon. An' if y'need me, I'm here. Can't promise I won't try an' kick his goddamn ass when he turns up, but I'm here for you, Nelly. Whatever y'need.
[ He gives another grateful look, then stares into his liquor glass and shakes his head. When another small burst of weeping overtakes him it's more contained, just tears and shaking shoulders without the wailing and shrieking that he might normally be prone to. ]
I feel like I'm always lonely. After he-- it wasn't that I never saw other people, but it wasn't ever the same. [ He wonders if that sounds pathetic, but at the moment he doesn't really care. Too upset, too drunk, whatever. ] Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you, I-- I think I made a mistake, when I told him... s-something, but I didn't want him finding out from anyone else. I'm such an idiot.
[ it's worse that she knows that feeling, or some variation of it. it's a vicious twist on the cliche really -- one true love. the one person you never really get over. the one you take to your grave with you. the one you always hold a little flame for. she doesn't have to like hooded justice to understand the sentiment.
she puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. ]
Hon, I can't imagine y'tellin' anyone somethin' that'd hurt them, not really. 'Specially not a big ol' brute like HJ. Y'can't blame yourself.
[ He shakes his head miserably, though a part of him can't quite bring himself to telling her just what it was. He doesn't want to feel like any more of a traitor than he had back then. ]
He was, he got upset with me and I should have known better, I shouldn't h-have brought the past into it at all. I just w-wanted to be honest, but he can hold onto something forever.
[ Slowly he refills his glass again. ]
I don't know where he's going to stay. At home I could at least count on him being at the headquarters most likely, but there's nothing familiar here.
[ if she's beginning to feel impatient with the situation, it's because she hates it, seeing nelson like this -- he deserves to be happy, she has to believe that -- and because it's easy for her to blame hooded justice, easy for her to let her resentment of him skew her perspective.
she has half a mind just to hunt him down and drag him back -- ]
That's it. I ain't sittin' around lettin' this happen.
[ she makes an annoyed gesture with her hand. ]
I'm gonna find that sonnuva bitch an' carry him back in a potato sack if I gotta.
[ He looks at her, his eyes tired and red, before he manages a weak smile. It's a nice sentiment -- he shouldn't have expected less, from Lil -- though maybe because he's too upset to be properly rational or because he's had too much to drink he doesn't really consider that she's serious. Normally, he'd probably know better. ]
That's thoughtful of you. I'm sure even if you did find him he'd just tell you he doesn't want to see me. [ He dabs his wet cheeks with his sleeve again and his shoulders slump in self-defeat. ] He's stubborn when he makes up his mind. I-I just have to remind myself that I should have seen it coming.
[ it's obvious that lil won't change her mind now -- she's set her course, right or wrong, for better or for worse. there's probably nothing short of an army that could stop her now. she's a woman on the war path. ]
Y'just gotta promise you'll hang tight an' wait. I'm gonna make this better.
[ Nelson empties his glass, staring a little blankly forward. He leans against her slightly, again appreciating the sentiment even if he doesn't think there's any way to make it better. ]
You didn't have to come all the way over. Thank you for keeping me company.
What're y'thankin' me for? I'm doin' what friends do, ain't I?
[ it's gentle though, not angry. maybe just a little tired. she gives his arm a little squeeze before setting her own glass down, then reaching to remove his from his hand. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ that's the last thing she says before hanging up -- but it's only a brief reprieve, no more than twenty minutes before she arrives at nelson's door. it's a good thing the damn thing's unlocked because she's letting herself in, only knocking to announce herself, not to ask permission.
she's a sleep-tousled mess, hair knotted atop her head, still in her pjs -- pastel shorts, a man's t-shirt, maybe madison's -- but wrathful nonetheless. ]
Nelly? Hon?
no subject
[ Though he barely gets the words out before she's let herself in already. He's made it out of his bedroom, at least, to the living room where he sits in his robe, his face in hands. His hair is also tousled -- uncharacteristic of him though it may look, it's too early to bother with a comb or anything -- and when he looks at her, his face and eyes are red.
He shakes his head, having completely forgotten he was supposed to make coffee; he's got a bottle of brandy on the table in front of him, a half-full glass in hand. ]
Thanks for coming.
no subject
she's always been physical and irreverent towards personal boundaries. it's probably no surprise then that she simply comes and leans to embrace him, folding him close to her like she means to protect him from everything. ]
Y'don't deserve this, sweetheart.
no subject
He sobs: ]
We were supposed to be happy. I n-never thought I would see him again, Lil.
no subject
her embrace is solid, strong. she strokes his back as she answers: ]
This ain't on you. Y'know that, right? Y'ain't done nothin' wrong. Y'been good t'that sonnuva bitch, I know y'have, and if he's got trouble seein' that through that goddamn stupid hood of his, that ain't 'cause of you.
[ a beat, like she isn't sure she should say this next thing -- but he just seems so unhappy, so hurt. ]
Anyway, there ain't nobody sayin' he won't come t'his senses.
no subject
I did something-- I just know something happened, he wouldn't leave without a reason. [ Taking another sip, he dabs at his eyes with his sleeve. ] I'm all he has in the world and he still doesn't want to be around me. Do you think he got scared?
no subject
[ if she sounds frustrated though, it's not with nelson. no, nelson is the one she understands, or at least thinks she does. she crouches next to his seat, hands resting on his arm. ]
But I know it ain't 'cause y'didn't care enough. Maybe it's him, hon. Maybe there's somethin' wrong with him.
no subject
He's never been able to commit. Not ever. Back in the day he would always be out, God knows where, I-I'm sure that's what it is now. I'm too old and fat to keep his interest anymore. [ He wipes his eyes again, frowning, and looks at her. ] I barely know anything about him. I told myself I wouldn't make these mistakes again.
no subject
she gives his arm a gentle little squeeze, even though her eyebrows pinch. she hates to see him like this. she's stubbornly insisting when she answers: ]
There ain't a damn thing wrong with you, Nelson Gardner. Y'hear what I'm tellin' you? An' y'love that man. Maybe that don't make it easy t'see things right all the time, but it ain't nothin' t'be ashamed of.
no subject
I feel like a fool. I had eleven years to move on, and the first thing I do when I see him again is forget everything I learned since he di-- disappeared. I thought it could be our big chance. [ He holds a glass out to her, in case she wants a drink as well. Crack of dawn be damned. ] And n-now I don't know what to do with myself.
no subject
Well, I know what y'ain't gonna do. Y'ain't gonna do anythin' stupid. You're gonna stick with me 'til y'feel alright bein' on your own, that's what.
[ a beat, then she adds, more quietly: ]
And y'ain't gonna blame yourself for hopin'.
no subject
I won't -- what is there for me to do? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for him. He might be in Germany, for all I know. [ He swallows, then puts his hand over his face for a moment as the tears start again. ] Maybe some things just aren't meant to ever work out. Do you ever feel that way?
no subject
It -- [ she struggles a second. her own feelings threaten to take front seat, selfish and overwhelming, just for a moment, but she swallows them. ] It ain't about how I feel, is it? What the hell do I know anyway.
[ an exhale. lil reaches to briskly thumb away his tears. ]
You're a mess, hon. Y'ain't gonna be decidin' nothin' tonight.
no subject
I need to call Rick later, t-to take the dog. I got him for Hooded Justice, I don't think I can bear having him around. I'm not going in to work today. [ He buries his free hand in his hair, pulling at it a little helplessly. Softly, he adds: ] I know you didn't like him. You must think I'm crazy, wanting someone like him back.
no subject
'Course I don't like the bastard. But I like you, don't I? An' I don't think you're crazy. [ a brief beat. ] Lonely, maybe, but not crazy.
Y'do what y'gotta do, hon. An' if y'need me, I'm here. Can't promise I won't try an' kick his goddamn ass when he turns up, but I'm here for you, Nelly. Whatever y'need.
no subject
I feel like I'm always lonely. After he-- it wasn't that I never saw other people, but it wasn't ever the same. [ He wonders if that sounds pathetic, but at the moment he doesn't really care. Too upset, too drunk, whatever. ] Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you, I-- I think I made a mistake, when I told him... s-something, but I didn't want him finding out from anyone else. I'm such an idiot.
no subject
[ it's worse that she knows that feeling, or some variation of it. it's a vicious twist on the cliche really -- one true love. the one person you never really get over. the one you take to your grave with you. the one you always hold a little flame for. she doesn't have to like hooded justice to understand the sentiment.
she puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. ]
Hon, I can't imagine y'tellin' anyone somethin' that'd hurt them, not really. 'Specially not a big ol' brute like HJ. Y'can't blame yourself.
no subject
He was, he got upset with me and I should have known better, I shouldn't h-have brought the past into it at all. I just w-wanted to be honest, but he can hold onto something forever.
[ Slowly he refills his glass again. ]
I don't know where he's going to stay. At home I could at least count on him being at the headquarters most likely, but there's nothing familiar here.
no subject
she has half a mind just to hunt him down and drag him back -- ]
That's it. I ain't sittin' around lettin' this happen.
[ she makes an annoyed gesture with her hand. ]
I'm gonna find that sonnuva bitch an' carry him back in a potato sack if I gotta.
no subject
[ He looks at her, his eyes tired and red, before he manages a weak smile. It's a nice sentiment -- he shouldn't have expected less, from Lil -- though maybe because he's too upset to be properly rational or because he's had too much to drink he doesn't really consider that she's serious. Normally, he'd probably know better. ]
That's thoughtful of you. I'm sure even if you did find him he'd just tell you he doesn't want to see me. [ He dabs his wet cheeks with his sleeve again and his shoulders slump in self-defeat. ] He's stubborn when he makes up his mind. I-I just have to remind myself that I should have seen it coming.
no subject
[ it's obvious that lil won't change her mind now -- she's set her course, right or wrong, for better or for worse. there's probably nothing short of an army that could stop her now. she's a woman on the war path. ]
Y'just gotta promise you'll hang tight an' wait. I'm gonna make this better.
no subject
You didn't have to come all the way over. Thank you for keeping me company.
no subject
[ it's gentle though, not angry. maybe just a little tired. she gives his arm a little squeeze before setting her own glass down, then reaching to remove his from his hand. ]
How about we get you t'bed, hon?
no subject
[ He shakes his head before he sets his glass down, getting shakily to his feet anyway. He continues a little miserably, skeptically: ]
B-but it is late. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll have come back by the morning.
no subject
Hon, I know it ain't the same, but I adore you, y'know? An' I hate t'see y'like this.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)